I am learning a lot about myself throughout this journey. Who & what I hold important. What I am willing to do, what I am willing to let go, what is really important & how strong I am becoming.
I call my disease a Black Cloaked Demon. It has been wreaking havoc throughout my body for the last several years. It hides. Escaping detection.
Well, the last six weeks have seemed like forever. At times it was very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we hung on. By the skin of our teeth, but we did. Thank you.
And each morning as I trek down the hallway at work I am reminded of my weakness. Physically and mentally. I just need to make it through another day, and another, and the next. One numb foot after the other.
I knew that things were different this time. I wasn’t thinking clearly. It is one thing to have physical issues, but when the stupid “Demon” started messing with my brain and my competence, well…that was a different story.
I am sure that the anxiety in my subconscious was building at a voracious rate, but I kept tamping it down, trying my best to ignore all of the symptoms.
As I am writing this I am getting the same anxious feeling that I had that day-it was the second week in July-although that was more than a month ago, I can feel it as if it happened yesterday.
I got home about 5pm and I started to feel a bit odd. My symptoms were flu-like, but they had come on very quickly. I was hot, the back of my neck hurt, I ached, had a low grade temperature and was extremely nauseous. Instead of celebrating my birthday, I went to bed.
At the end of the day we only have 2,740 jellybeans to use in anyway that we please…”to use laughing, swimming, making art, going on hikes, text messages, reading, checking Facebook, playing softball, or maybe even teaching yourself to play guitar.”
He lurks in the background awaiting his opportunity, looking for the opportunity to break free and wreak havoc on my life. I have learned to work around him, for the most part, to keep him at bay…but then life…happens.